aflcoker

My Identity

Thinking over the names and roles attached to me over the years, I’d say it’s been quite a few. As a baby, I was the first girl born in three Laird generations, making me special to my dad’s mother whom I called Nanny. As a favored child, I took advantage of its pleasures. While my younger sister fell asleep in her crib, I had to be rocked each night. In those years, public school started with kindergarten, so I became a student at five years of age. We moved from Mobile to New Orleans and back to Mobile where I graduated from Murphy High School. Three months later I married Bill Coker and by taking his name (and more) I became his wife. Eleven months later, the birth of our first son gave me the title of mother. Three more children sealed that name and continues today even though they are grown with their own families, meaning I’ve added the names of granny and great-granny.

During Bill’s years at Asbury College, I was known as a professor’s wife, also a student again for I studied for six years to earn a BA. Accepting a job with Good News magazine, I learned to be an editor, a title I’ve kept years past our time in Wilmore. Moving to Indiana, where Bill served as senior pastor at World Gospel Church, I again became a pastor’s wife. Again, because Bill had served churches in Mississippi and Kentucky. I preferred being wife to a pastor above one of a professor.

While in Indiana, I served at a Crisis Pregnancy Center, first as a volunteer and then a client services director. That title served me well as I trained volunteers and met with clients. My writing career continued as I helped edit articles for CPC publications. I continued to keep journals, wondering what use they will be later. Along with Bill, I accepted various positions in the Emmaus community as opportunities arose. Those titles would vary, the last being director for a woman’s walk.

Bill’s dementia journey made it possible and easier for me to get back to editing and writing, compiling his sermons and prayers for four published books. I was not content to call myself an author until I had my first book written and published in 2023. I’m writing a memoir about my role as caregiver through Bill’s dementia journey. After Bill’s death in 2024, I am now a widow.

I didn’t count up all these names, titles, and roles I’ve assumed or earned. But they don’t compare to the one I value the most. I am a child of God, loving Him and serving others in my faith journey.

This blog post is the result of reading a booklet in one day. It’s a gift from my sister Martha: Loving God With All My Soul by Julie A. Link. Identity cannot be lost if someone steals the many numbers associated with an ID. Our identity is based on being made in God’s image. We know His love for us, and we develop our love for Him through the many roles attached to our names.

Take Home Test ~ WBC

Some of you will recognize Bill’s test duplicated here. It’s minus the dingbats he used. ~AC

Have you made a personal decision about Jesus Christ?
When, to your satisfaction, did you do so?
Has that made a definite change in your life?
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away…the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:27).
What do you believe? ~ The Apostle’s Creed
Rational and personal conviction
“The love of Christ controls us because we are convinced that one has died for all….” (2 Cor. 5:14).
Do you have faith in God? [Consider the meaning of faith]
Certainty, firm reliance ~ Confidence, Trust
Trust in God that holds steady in times of difficulty
Faith that God is at work in all things for good
What do you think your commitment to Christ means?
What does your head and your heart say to you?
Does the Holy Spirit bear witness with your spirit?
What are your strongest spiritual desires?
To be with Him – public and private worship
To know Him – even the fellowship of His suffering
To please Him – greatest pleasure
“I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Phil. 3:10, NIV).
What is your participation in the Body of Christ?
What is your contribution to the church?
What if everyone did as you do?
What is your level of concern for others?
How have you expressed that concern recently?
What about the acid test? ~ Thy will be done…?
Is your chief aim in life to do God’s will?
Do you regularly choose God’s will over your own?

One Great Purpose

While Mary and Joseph were still finalizing their guest list and picking out a wedding cake, she startled him with some unexpected news—she, a virgin, was pregnant.

Assuming she’d been unfaithful, Joseph was poised to cancel the engagement. But while he was still considering his exit strategy, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream—telling him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife, for the child inside her was from the Holy Spirit.

“And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” (‭‭Matthew‬ ‭1:21‬ ‭NLT‬‬).

This miracle was the fulfillment of hundreds of prophecies—God-inspired predictions about the Messiah, Savior, or “Chosen/Anointed One”—recorded in the Old Testament.

From conception, Jesus’ purpose was made known: to save His people from their sins. Because even before God created the world, His plan was to save it.

Isn’t it interesting that you didn’t choose the time, place, body, or family in which you were born? But God has you here, right now, on purpose.

You’ve been grafted into an ongoing story playing out since the beginning of time. And this timeless offer, to be saved from the shackles of your sin and freed from a debt you could never pay, has been extended to you.

What is sin? Sin is choosing our way instead of God’s. Sin is rebelling against His design and His plan. And we’ve all done it—we’ve all fallen short of God’s righteous standard.

But that’s why He sent Jesus—because He loved us that much.

And then, Jesus gave His life for the sake of the world.

If you’ve never accepted the free gift of salvation, today can be your day, and this moment can be your moment. There’s nothing you can do to earn it, but you can come to Him—just as you are.

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It Will Be Different

Becky’s homemade stockings are hung again for 2024. Photo taken in 2017.

Christmas will be different this year, and it’s not only because Bill has gone Home. Last Christmas I noticed Bill watched others open gifts instead of attending to his own. After Becky’s special dinner, Bill tried out all her sweet selections. Later we sat and gazed at the decorated tree. This year Grandpa’s stocking will not be hung with the others. That’s as it should be.

Gearhart family plans are different. Chrissa, Leo, and Joana will leave for Brazil, South America, on Christmas Eve to visit Leo’s mother and family. Michael and Morgan continue to live in California, and it’s a long trip for a short visit. Stephen and Emily will join us for the day. Added is another change. Paul’s mother, Ruth, in Illinois, now lives with her daughter. While Bev and her husband visited family in California, Becky spent a month with Ruth. That meant Becky was not here for early Christmas decorating. Paul’s main job is outdoor decorations and they are special. He put up our tree with lights, but we’re saving the ornaments for Becky so she can connect with memories. I set out their nativity display along with arranging manger scenes in my living room.

The rest of my family will celebrate in their own settings, scattered in other states. My family also has its changes. My two sisters and I are now widows, and we enjoyed a September visit together in Mobile, Alabama, my birthplace. We shared past memories and made new ones. My children and grandkids live in OH, PA, MO, TN, IN, KY, CA, MD (now in Japan). I send Christmas cards to family in eight different states. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards and letters. It’s a great way to connect with friends we’ve made over the years.

While family plans are different this year, the “reason for the season” remains clear. The story of Jesus’ birth is never worn out. I learned recently that the manger in Bethlehem was made of stone rather than the wood we see in Nativity sets. Shepherds kept their lambs in mangers, safely wrapped and ready for sacrifice. Mary wrapped her son Jesus, our sacrificial Lamb, and laid Him in a manger. In this I rejoice, for Christ has made the difference in my life. I trust it’s true for you.

Gift-giving

As I prepare to join a church family’s Thanksgiving dinner, I ponder what I can bring as a gift of thanks. I’m bringing frozen cranberry salad to add to the meal, but that doesn’t seem to be the right gift to express thanks for their invitation. My first thought is a recycled item, for I’m known for that style of gifting. Perhaps coasters that belonged to Paul’s mother? No. It should be something simple, not even lasting. Ah-hah! Roses from the garden that survived our first snow. They won’t last, yet simple and beautiful. A gift of flowers reminds me of how when in Russia, people brought a bouquet when coming to the apartment. Yes, that’s the gift I’ll bring.

You may wonder why I’ll not be at home with family for Thanksgiving. Becky and Paul are in Illinois with Paul’s mother. Other Gearhart family members will gather there both Thursday and Friday. Our other children are not able to come here for various reasons. All good. A new friend I met at GriefShare found out I would be alone, and she invited me to their family gathering.

Thanksgiving to me is an introduction, a prelude, to Christmas, for we are thankful for God’s greatest gift for us, personally and for the whole world. “For God so loved that He gave.” Jesus is God’s gift of love for our needed redemption. That is the ultimate in gift-giving, and I am more than thankful. I cannot adequately express my gratitude for God’s wonderful gift of Jesus.

Now it’s my time to give as a Christ-follower. As one Christmas song reminds me, I give my heart. I give my whole self to God in an expression of thanks-giving for His gift of Jesus – for me, for my family, for the whole world. Yes, that includes you too.

Memoir from an Honest Caregiver

**Bill giving one of his serious talks (August 2023)**

Each skit, play, and book needs a beginning, middle, and end. That’s how I divide my memoir about caregiving. These divisions were not equal in length. The early stage of Bill’s dementia was about five years. The messy middle, the longest stage, started before we left Terre Haute and moved to Indianapolis, lasting about seven years. The advanced stage amounted to less than a year with in-home hospice care for only two weeks.

I’ve finished listening to a computer voice read my memoir of a little over 50,000 words. That way I could hear and see mistakes needing correction. To let you engage in my memoir, understand that it’s about me as caregiver as well as about Bill and dementia. Below are a few paragraphs from each stage: early, moderate, and advanced.

We notice the first sign of dementia involves word associations. “Thing” becomes the word when specifics escape Bill. For example, he asks our son John to take a “thing” from the kitchen cupboard, meaning a cup for coffee.

When it’s the forgotten name of a person, Bill gets creative. Before a visit from our triplet great-grandchildren, he repeatedly asks me their names. Several times I say Ethan, Naomi, and Levi. He devises names of his own: Ike, Mike, and Mustard. The kids like and choose their names. Of course, Bill doesn’t recall who is who; he just groups them. They don’t mind.

While preaching for a friend, Bill tells about a famous revival of the past. It’s known as the “haystack revival.” Not able to think of the right words, Bill calls it a revival started on “a pile of straw.” I explain the mistake to our granddaughter, Chrissa. She replies with compassion, “Grandpa’s vast knowledge of words gives him a good substitute.”

I resolve to be more attuned to Bill’s needs, for I want to reflect in word and deed the true picture of a biblical wife. That begins at home by pleasing my husband. . . .

Our future, though uncertain, will see an increase in Bill’s dementia and my continuous learning how to handle our disagreements. A few aspects of Bill’s progress show the disease is no longer in slow motion.

For what am I thankful? Two are at the top of my list: Bill’s constant affection which includes blowing kisses and wanting hugs, and his sense of humor. I’m thankful for Bill’s kind disposition, even when I’m abrasive toward him. One good thing about memory loss: he’s quick to forget whatever offense takes place.

In a blog post I write about the term ambiguous loss. Our daughter, Becky, wrote about this on her Facebook page, saying her dad is here but not here. While Bill is present, what he used to be is now absent. In his frequent talks, we hear what’s not present anymore.

One evening Bill enters the kitchen as Paul, Becky’s husband, and I prepare supper. Bill started with his usual theme of doing what’s right and good. We could clearly understand that much as he continues to talk at length. His serious expression shows it’s important to him.

A few mornings later at two o’clock, I awake to see Bill standing by the bed and talking, again about what’s right. As I stand by his side of the bed, he points a finger at me and says, “It would be good for you to do what’s right.” At breakfast I tell Bill he preached during the night, but he gives no response. . . .

One night is a combination of not letting go of my rigid routine for Bill, his dealing with my demands, and an instant answer to prayer. We start getting ready for bed. Mistakenly I already laid out clothes for the next day. At first he wants to wear the corduroy pants, pointing his finger at me and shouting “No! This is what I want!” I kiss him. He calms down.

Next he holds his nightshirt and shoves his leg in at the neckline. My explaining it’s the wrong way does not compute. He gets it up past his belly but no further. After I leave for a minute and return, I find the nightshirt is off. He holds it, but won’t pull it over his head.

I close my eyes and briefly pray out loud. I ask God to help each of us get ready for bed, be calm, and do what is right. When I open my eyes, Bill is pulling the nightshirt over his head. Now why didn’t I pray earlier when the conversation was more heated? Yes, “the one who is patient calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18). The rest of the routine goes well. One more decision: do not lay out Bill’s clothes for the next day.

If you are interested in knowing more––about my being in touch with you when my memoir will be published, send me a note via email. al2.coker@gmail.com Thanks.

Clearing Out Files

This wooden four-drawer file cabinet has been in Bill’s study in Wilmore and Terre Haute, and it came with us to Indianapolis in 2017. The question then was where to store it for easy access. One helper during the move suggested the storage closet. That has been a good space. Now I have room in the study, since Bill’s desk has been given away.

Before moving the cabinet, I decided to go through the drawers and clear out what’s not needed. I’ve only gone through the bottom drawer, and questions already flow through my mind. What to keep and why? What might someone want now or later? Why am I keeping this and that? The bottom drawer contains folders on major trips we’ve made over the years – to Israel, Ireland, and our Amtrack trip out west after Bill’s retirement.

In the file on Israel, I found booklets about locations we toured, even a bunch of postcards. I’ll use the latter, and when our sons visit, they can have any booklets of interest. I also found a lament psalm I wrote in 1996 after returning home. I can picture the setting and how one friend reached out to me with comfort. This is what I wrote (without an edit):

“Psalm of Arbel” – based on Psalm 61

Hear my cry, O God.

Attend to my prayer for help.

I have reached the end of my rope,

And my heart is heavy.

I turn around and Your intercessor is there.

On this high rock, lead me

to Yourself, the highest Rock.

Faced with truth about myself,

I run back to You,

My shelter and strong tower You

have always been;

And I abide in Your presence.

As Your precious servant holds

me in comfort,

Enfold us in the shelter of Your wings.

We are Your dear children.

You have heard my vows, O God.

My heritage is a gift from You.

My life is in Your mighty hands.

I am not my own; I abide in You.

Your mercy and truth preserve me.

I can sing praise to Your name,

now and forever,

That I may daily live up to my vows

made on Mt. Arbel.

Rehearsing Memories

Left to Right, in order of age: Ann, Minnie, and Martha, taken in Minnie’s apartment.

Memories are meant to be shared. That’s what a friend told me a while back after his wife died. He no longer had that privilege to share memories with his wife, and it left a hole in his heart.

I recently returned home from a two-week trip to New Mexico and Alabama, visiting my two sisters. Most of our time we spent rehearsing memories of our childhood. Those times we treasure as valuable for our continued life travels. It had been 17 years since the three of us had been together, and that event in Terre Haute, Indiana, in 2007 we celebrated the 50^th wedding anniversary for Bill and me. This recent time in Alabama, we concentrated on our Laird family.

One day for lunch we three sisters went to the Dew Drop Inn in Mobile, Alabama. The food was excellent. I’ve never had fried oysters and fried onion rings prepared any better. But that small local restaurant is special for our family. When our Dad dated our Mother who lived with her sister, Julia would enter the living room to say it was time for Tom to go home. They would sing a line or two of “Too Much in Love to Say Goodnight,” and Dad would leave. Walking on his way home, he would stop at the Dew Drop Inn to eat a bowl of chili. That was in the early 1930’s. The Inn is now 100 years old, established in 1924. That’s history, and continues to this day. We tried taking a selfie photo with the sign overhead, but it’s a poor shot.

Then we stopped by the Dutch Ice Cream Shoppe for a few dips of our favorite treat. Ice-cream is a Laird tradition. During our growing-up years, Mother would make two or three gallons of ice-cream each Saturday, which Dad would churn in the hand-operated freezer. Those flavors satisfied our craving for dessert after every supper meal. My favorite flavor was frozen buttermilk, for it’s like a tangy pineapple sherbet. She also made peppermint and vanilla ice-cream with evaporated milk.

Along with rehearsing past memories, we sisters made new memories to cherish for our todays.

Song Bird

Perched and Singing

For several days in March of 2015, I heard a song bird, a sparrow I think, outside my window. I could not see her but I heard her song. She is so like my relationship with Jesus. I cannot see Him, but I listen to Him by reading His Word. After Jesus arose, He appeared to those who knew Him—His disciples. Paul wrote, “He appeared to me also” (1 Cor. 15:5). He appears to me now, to all who know Him and are His witnesses.

Christ is the “present Reality, an efficacious power now” (Oswald Chambers). Yes, I know Christ personally; He is real. Being a Christian is not only a decision for Christ, but a complete surrender to allow Him to take Lordship in my life, to receive Him as my Master and to honor Him daily. If Jesus Christ is not God manifest in the flesh, we know nothing whatever about God. It’s hopeless. But if Jesus Christ is who He says He is, then He is God to me (paraphrased from Oswald Chambers). I have a personal history with Christ, and I am satisfied where He has placed me. I take on no more than He instructs and my energy is renewed day by day.

While birds sing to me now, or I hear the chimes outside my window, I lift my new song to God. Give me insight, kindness, and energy for each day, Lord Jesus. May my sacrifice be one of praise.

A year later (2016), a sweet song bird greeted me with her chirping, and that morning I welcomed her greeting. We went for Bill’s EEG and a follow-up appointment with his first neurologist.

Easter Sunday that year was a glorious sunny day, and we opened windows for cool fresh air. My song bird greeted the morning, and yet it was dark. “Good morning. Happy Easter.”

A few days later, a different bird with a high tweet greeted me, but he flew away as I turned to identify him. I didn’t see him, but the same song bird met me later on the dogwood outside my window. It was a good morning.

It is always a good morning as I read God’s Word and sing a new song to my Lord.

The P’s of God’s Promises

Reepicheep rows toward Aslan’s Country. A faithful follower, he was promised a place in Aslan’s land.

As I pray, I often use the words that start with P in relationship to what God has promised. Those are Presence, Provision, Protection, and Promises. Presence is at the top, for I value God’s presence more than anything He has given me. I would not want to live one day, one moment, without the presence of God. He is real to me and His presence is my mainstay. I am wrapped in His constant presence, for I know He dwells within me.

God provides for my every need, whether that’s physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. His provision is perfect and unblemished, for I know that all good gifts come from God. Being an American and a Christian has its advantages, and I have the costly privilege of freedom. I do not fear any intrusion in my daily life. That I know is not the case for Christians in other nations, for so many around the world suffer persecution. I am humbled by what I enjoy, for all that my fellow citizens have sacrificed for me.

On that same note, I not only have God’s provision, I live in a nation that protects my freedom and rights. God has protected me over my 85 years of life, and yet I’ve not been exempt from harm. I have had struggles and problems, but God has seen me through them all. I pray for the persecuted church and their need for protection, for safety against terrorist attacks.

God’s promises are sure and show His character of love, mercy, and grace. His love is eternal; His mercy is everlasting; His grace is sufficient for today and always. I know I can trust God for whatever He promises in His Word and for all my days.

Therefore, whatever my future brings, I am assured of God’s presence, provision, and protection. I’m confident He will guide me with His promises.