Photo taken before moving to Indianapolis. Written by Becky in June of 2023.
My mother phoned, stating she and Dad decided to move to Indianapolis and wanted to purchase a house with my husband, Paul, and me. For two years we had discussed different options, knowing my mom would need help caring for my dad. Suddenly we put preparations in motion, including the sale of both of our houses. The search began and we found a home here that would meet our needs.
No one can fully prepare you for all the nuances of caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. We read several books to understand the disease process and to know better what to expect. Several well-meaning people told me we would not be able to keep my dad in our home for the entire process. We determined to try to keep Dad at home with us. Everyone’s circumstances are different, and this isn’t always possible.
Although we experienced difficult times––watching my dad slowly slip away into the recesses of his mind––we could give thanks for much. I am thankful for the home we found that provided a secure place for my dad and where everyone had space of their own. I am thankful my dad remained happy most of the time, and he never became so violent we could not care for him in our home. I am thankful for the support of my husband, and of my brothers who made it a priority to help, including staying at the house when Paul and I traveled. I’m thankful for friends and family who prayed for us, advised us, loved on us, and took this journey alongside us.
Jay Allen wrote the song, Blank Stares, about his mother going through early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. With his permission, I quote some of the lyrics:
“It’s getting harder and harder to watch you disappear
Oh if only farther leaving me in tears
If I could only seal the cracks you’re slipping through
Wish I didn’t feel so helpless when it comes to helping you
Hold on
But I keep holding on
Every little memory made of you and me
Every little glimpse of who you used to be
I know you’re still in there
Deep down somewhere I swear I still see you
I still see you
Between the blank stares”
Dementia is a long, slow, and difficult process of dying. My dad used to say that growing old is not for sissies. Caring for a loved one with dementia isn’t for sissies either. Hold on to Jesus! ~ by Rebecca Anne Coker Gearhart, RN
This will be included as the foreword in my upcoming book on caregiving.
Ann Coker 