Journey of Becoming

Following are notes from Bill’s journal while attending Academy of Spiritual Formation in 2002.

There are times when I get tired of religion. We live under a microscope looking at ourselves, examining ourselves. Is it well with my soul? Am I pleasing God? How do I become a better person? How should I act? Is this okay; will it not only meet God’s approval but also that of others who are trying to be religious?

Why am I so rotten on the inside? Is it just a witness to my fallenness or the evidence of my humanness? If the former, why doesn’t God take it away? I’ve asked Him to! If it is the latter, why am I feeling guilty?

O yes, I’m on a journey; in the process of becoming, I’m told. Becoming what? A perfect saint? A completed human being? Wholly sanctified? Pure in heart?

I understand that in becoming conformed to the image of Christ, I need to grow in grace and in the knowledge of Him, be led by the Spirit and walk in the light. I know full well that I haven’t arrived; but sometimes I feel that the drag in my life, the guilt that I wrestle with, has more to do with religion than spirituality. I am weary of the judgementalism of those who’ve got “real religion” and my judging others.

As I said, there are times when I get tired of religion, weary of taking my spiritual pulse, checking up on my soul. I just want to live, to love god and others, and anticipate….

Only one more session and the Academy is history. It’s hard to measure what this has meant. Certainly, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Its impact is greater than the presenters have shared or the readings we have completed. Perhaps the most significant is the community itself––our times of worship, of being together, even the unstables. Yes, it’s been the people. I’ll miss them; some more than others, but all of them in one way or another.

Back home: We so often take relationships casually, until we face the loss of them. The loss always leaves a hole, which may be partially filled by new ones. But the deeper the relationship the more remaining emptiness. I understand why, as we grow older, the holes increase and the empty places leave a longing for a day of restoration.